I posted on my Instagram profile recently (but I archived it for aesthetic purposes #igwallchallenges), that affairs don’t just happen. They happen over the course of time, in moments when people stop committing.
I think they also happen when we get distracted by something or someone else.
So, I’ve been close to having an affair. It wasn’t until I was listening to the Focus on the Family marriage podcast that I realized this almost affair has been going on since last October.
But, before we discuss the details surrounding my almost affair, let me just say that if you’re looking for ways to build Intimacy with your spouse and the encouragement to act on it, I wrote this post for you and I hope it helps.
Back to this almost affair. It started out subtle. I would spend a little time here while my husband wasn’t around, a little time after work, on lunch breaks and basically every waking moment I had when I wasn’t at work, feeding this habit of mine.
I even planned to use my maternity leave to press into it more and more.
Now, I feel that I must reveal with whom, well in this case with what my almost affair involved. It was with…my computer.
Now, before you throw up your hands and say I’m being ridiculous, let me explain.
For months I have used up almost every free moment I’ve had to build businesses, this blog, a following, all the entrepreneur things. Although it was all for a good reason, my marriage and family have been affected by it.
When affairs happen, they obviously don’t only affect the offender. They affect everyone involved. Me spending so much time trying to build businesses for a better life for my family was causing me to miss life with my family. I didn’t want to stop what I was doing to be intimate, or go hang out unless I could reach my goals for that day, which were usually unrealistic.
Most affairs start small, like I’ll just have one conversation, one drink, reach one goal, take this one chance and next thing we know, things are out of hand.
My almost affair may not have been adultery and it wasn’t fully an affair but it was robbing my family of time with me and I’d be moody if I couldn’t reach my business goals because of them. I was distracted and putting something above my marriage, much like a real affair. You may be having an affair with your phone, work or another person.
Or you might be noticing that you’re distracted like I was, and you’re putting things before your family.
So what can you do if you’re on the verge of having an affair or if you’re realizing your distracted and you want to rekindle the intimacy fire?
Here’s what I started doing:
Be honest. I admitted to my husband that when I have a goal in mind, I don’t want to do anything outside of reaching that goal. He would often notice that I would check out and even be attitudinal if he distracted me or more bothered if our son wouldn’t stay asleep. Your spouse notices when you’re distance or if something’s changed, so you may as well be honest with them about what’s going on with you. It begins to open up space for you to talk about what’s distracting you.
Cut out the distraction. If your problem was working like mine or the phone like my husband’s, then make a plan to put the work or phone aside by a certain time that you both can agree upon. Ours is dinnertime. Once we sit down for dinner, that’s it, phones and work away, no matter what is left to be done the next day.
If social media is your problem take a break from it for awhile or put it in a designated location where you won’t touch it after a certain time.
Slow down and stop multitasking. Humans have not mastered the art of multitasking and we probably never will. Even before Mom or Dad-brain kicks in, we often lose a thought because we’re juggling too many things at once. Next thing you know, you’re in the grocery store like “Why am I in here, again?”
So give your spouse the undivided attention they deserve by choosing not to multitask when you two are having a conversation or spending time together. Listen to what your spouse is saying, intently. Then, actually engage in conversation with them. Don’t fuss about how you could be doing something else or postpone the conversation for later. Be present at that moment.
Do something you love to do together. It doesn’t have to be complicated. You can cruise together in a new ride with the top down and park and watch the stars together (brownie points if you caught that movie reference). Play a game. Workout together. I love falling asleep with my head in my husband’s lap while watching a basketball game together. Whatever it is you guys like to do together or used to do together, do that.
Sometimes we get so caught up in the routine of what has to get done, that we forget what should be happening regularly, having fun together.
Plan a Date Night. Date nights should happen every week but if you have a small fry, like us, you do it every few weeks to avoid overwhelming the babysitter (A.K.A GiGi). Be intentional about planning a day or a night out of the house, outside of your normal routine, and make sure it’s just the two of you. Click here to get some fun and unique date night ideas if you have to stay at home!
Bring some date night talking points (coming soon) to get the conversation going. Reminisce about an exciting time but don’t dwell in the past. Make some new memories. Enjoy each other again.
You marriage can last forever and you can be intimate again. It just takes some effort and intentionality from both spouses. Keep committing!
I hope this post was helpful. If so, let us know by dropping a comment below!
