Becoming new parents is beautifully terrifying. At least it was for us. We’re six weeks in (at the time this post was written), and we’re still wrapping our heads around the fact that we are parents and that we’ve successfully kept our baby healthy for over a month.
If you’re a new parent, pat yourself on the back because surviving any day as a new parent is a huge accomplishment. If you’re a more seasoned parent, we applaud you because keeping a tiny human alive while not losing your mind is award-worthy!
Needless to say, but I’ll say it anyway, becoming a parent can cause a paradigm shift in your marriage. This change doesn’t and hopefully isn’t a bad one, but we’d be kidding ourselves if we pretended that it didn’t cause some serious adjustments to our happily married lives.
My husband and I are still happily married. Our little family of three is still enjoying life as well as each other. However, we’ve survived emotional rollercoasters, role changes and serious mood swings in the last month.
This post is for anyone looking to have a baby and wants to know how it may affect their marriage and for anyone who wants to read our story to be reassured that change in one’s marriage after having a baby is totally normal.
You’ll learn about how our marriage has changed and find out some tips on how to ride the waves of adjustment in your marriage and remain at peace with each other.
Our little one is such a joy. We’re crazy grateful to have him. Like most new parents, we love watching our little guy grow, smile and coo. And, like most parents, we’re exhausted, which brings me to the first way our marriage has changed.
Patience is really key
Patience was always key in marriage, but it is now more than ever. After giving birth, a woman is not only adjusting to being a mother with her baby now on the other side of her womb, but she’s now dealing with her hormones that are definitely out of sorts.
I remember telling the nurse that I felt like I had the flu the night I gave birth. When she told me it was my hormones, I developed a new understanding of just how wacky those suckers can be. My husband, however, was not aware of the hormonal rollercoaster he was about to ride.
Despite the warnings I received before delivery, I thought I was immune to Postpartum Depression. I can assure you that I wasn’t. When I began to see signs that I was suffering from it, I was alarmed and my husband was in denial. It wasn’t until I was crying for the third day in a row that he realized something was off.
Nonetheless, he was incredibly patient with me. He didn’t snap when I fussed out of pure exhaustion from crying and waking up to care for our newborn. He made dinner and cleaned up without asking me to lift a finger. He showed affection even when I was affectionless. No matter what I dished out, he was still patient. At a time when everything was overwhelmingly changing, his love and patience was constant.
That’s what we need. We need consistency after giving birth, especially if we’re first-time moms. So if you’re a husband, I just gave you the secret sauce and if you’re the pregnant wife, that’s the perfect thing to tell your hubby when he asks you, “Honey, how can I help?”
Most husbands want to help. If he’s learned anything from this whole experience it’s that women are powerful but he has a whole new appreciation for them after observing childbirth, causing him to want to serve his wife.That leads me to the second way our marriage has changed.
The Husband Level-up
Much like a game, after you’ve defeated ot experienced something dynamic in story mode your character levels up. Life and childbirth are no game, but if a husband is wise, he’ll Level-up.
It didn’t take long for my husband to step up his involvement. He volunteered to do more around the house. I would go back in the kitchen and notice that all of the dishes were cleaned. The dishwasher would be cycling through and the food would be put away.
It didn’t matter to him that we used to have a system where if I cooked he cleaned or vice versa. He was doing it all because he simply wanted to help.
When your spouse is in a position where all they can do to contribute to the household is to take care of a tiny human 24/7, gender roles go right out the door. Bringing a child into your family causes for major sacrifices and putting one’s needs aside is necessary.
My husband works a full-time job and still does all if this and more. Was he this perfect from the beginning, no! It required patience (there’s that word again lol) on my part. I must admit, sometimes being patient with him was hard.
I remember placing our son on my husband while he was asleep because my son was fighting his body’s urge to rest and was winning. I was exhausted and said “he’s all yours!” Then I stormed into the bathroom. From that day on, he knew to work harder to wake up and help at night.
The leveling up may take a moment, but when it does, be sure to show appreciation for it. Appreciation will also serve as support in the tough moments during your child’s first few weeks of life.
Supporting me when I’m weak
During my brief spat with Postpartum Depression, my husband was constantly encouraging me. I’ve never had to lean on him for so much emotional support before. This was a huge change for us because it was as if he had to be strong emotionally for all of us.
We haven’t introduced our son to the bottle yet so my husband wasn’t able to feed him, but he would willingly hold him and rock him so I could get more sleep. We hoped that it would help me emotionally and it did! It’s surprising the kind of person you become when you haven’t slept in several days.
Humbling Thyself
It wasn’t until after we had our baby that I realized that my husband had never really been around newborns. This was his first time caring for one and it was a bit scary for him.
Like a good wife, I was patient and coached him through everything. No, not really. Like a normal wife I fussed a little until he got the hang of putting extra clothes and burp cloths in the diaper bag.
At first, my husband was reluctant to listen to my every quim regarding the baby, like how to pick him up and how to hold him. Eventually, he arrived at the conclusion that he had to submit to my recommendations, not because I’m always right (even though I am), but because I had more experience with young babies.
Submission is usually referred to as something wives must comprehend before they get married. Ephesians 5 is often referenced to remind a wife to honor her husband’s direction. But husband’s have a responsibility to submit as well.
If there’s an area where the husband is less experienced, it is best for everyone if he take a back seat and observe his wife so they can both serve excellently in that area. It takes a real man to pause and let his wife take lead when he knows he could learn a thing or two from her. I’m thankful my husband is that kind of man!
Creativity is key with Intimacy
It’s often mistaken that intimacy slides out the back door when you have a baby. It doesn’t go away, you just have to be much more intentional about incorporating it.
Remember, intimacy isn’t just about physical touch. In this case, after having a baby, quality time takes the wheel much more often. Our primary love languages are quality time anyway so that wasn’t too much of an issue.
We have spent much more time talking to each other. Putting the phones down and really having deeper conversations when our son is asleep has afforded us these opportunities.
Obviously, during the first six weeks after having a baby, sexual intimacy is hard to implement. It’s not that you won’t have urges, but it takes time for a woman to heal after that gold-medal-worthy event.
It’s so important to connect emotionally, spiritually and mentally before getting married for this very reason. A couple that has taken the time to connect emotionally before marriage will have less difficulty connecting after childbirth.
My husband and I have enjoyed each other’s company and every day he goes to work I’m counting down the hours until he returns. There have been times where I didn’t feel like being bothered with my husband and others when I felt distant from him. In those times all I could do was pray and talk to him about it.
The work we did to connect as friends before marriage really helped in those difficult times. If you haven’t had your baby yet, you definitely want to spend time with just the two of you. Bring some conversation starters on a date to usher you into deeper conversations.
Having a baby has been one of my greatest joys, accomplishments and biggest challenges, and I wouldn’t trade it for anything.
If you’ve experienced the same struggles we have and you have some pointers, let us know. Or if you’ve found this post to be helpful, we’d love to read about it in the comments!
