We we’re sitting on our Minister’s couch when my skin instantly became hot and red! “How often are you willing to have sex after you get married?” I was incredibly uncomfortable because we’re Christian and we aren’t married, so this is bad right? I hadn’t answered so he made an appoint to ask me the question again. “Seven times a week.” I said. My husband, who was my fiance at the time and our Premarital Counseling Minister were both taken aback. “Seven times a week?” they both asked. I reassured them that seven was my number. After all, we’d be married and of course married people make love at least once a day right?
Ha. No!
Two weeks after the honeymoon, I realized that I highly overestimated how often I even was willing to have sex. My husband and I waited to have sex until our wedding night, so training my brain to not think sex was a ticket to hell was the first hurdle I had to overcome. The next hurdle was that I had to realize that work, traffic, cooking dinner and keeping a semi-tidy house required energy that depleted the energy I had for sex at the end of the day.
I felt like something was wrong with me because I didn’t want to have sex every single day. Chances are, you probably thought there was something wrong with you too. It wasn’t until I went to a spiritual counselor and after a marriage conference that I received the revelation that I was completely normal for not wanting to have sex every day. In fact, I was more abnormal to think we’d have sex more than once or twice a week in the first place.
It was disclosed during a marriage conference we had attended that the average married couple has sex less than five times a month. Making love requires time and as a woman, I need my emotional tank full before I can help fill my husband’s physical tank. Women are more emotional and sometimes we need to have our thoughts heard, a nice gesture of helping with the dishes offered and a cuddle session before we’re in the mood. That kind of revving of the engine takes time that we don’t always have every day.
So a few tips for the Young and Married and those who want to be:
- Don’t set unrealistic expectations for your married sex life. Take time to talk about what you like sexually. Obviously do this in the right setting, like premarital counseling if you’re still engaged.
- Read some literature to help you communicate effectively regarding love making and help you understand each other. A minister recommended we pick up a copy of A Celebration of Sex for Newlyweds by Dr. Douglas Rosenau, and it was super helpful.
- Attend a marriage conference, listen to a sermon or join a small group that discusses healthy marital intimacy. Marriage is not just about physical interaction. Emotional and Spiritual intimacy is key for a healthy sexual relationship with your spouse.
- Pray about this area of your relationship. God created, so He’d be the best person to get advice from (just saying).
- Most of all, don’t beat yourselves up if you’re only having sex a few times a month. You’re human and that’s so normal.
With Love,
The Gibsons
